When...

Lay it on me. Would someone please help me out here. When did I become that girl?

You know the one.

When did I become the person who can't so much as MAKE a scrapbook page that doesn't scream I work for Mrs. Grossman. (who by the way, might be a lovely person who makes great brownies, but her scrapbook skills leave alot to be desired). I've printed photos, I've purchased new supplies, I've channeled my inner Garden Girl, I've hung out with scrapbookers who make Art out of crap, and still I've got nothing. Sure, I've got cardstock, with cute children attached, awaiting the proper placement of embellishments and stampage, I've even gotten so far as to distress the edges a bit, making it look as if I have a clue as to what I'm doing. but it's a falsehood. There's nothing worth gazing at here.

When did I get too big to fit into my size 12 jeans! I mean, sure, I can bust out the bungee cords, attach them to each side of my pants, meld the fat that sits around my middle like a grouping of moss on a toadstool, and stop breathing for 7-12 seconds while I release the bungee cords and hope for the best. All the while making it look as if I'm smuggling sausages in my belly region. I can pull that look off, but hotness? It's all but gone.

When did I become the mom who has 15 pictures of her kids in the past 3 months! 15. And those were all taken yesterday. I drug them outside in a single file line, and attempted to make them look as if they weren't wearing clothes dug out of the dirty clothes hamper, while their hair sported the messy buns gone terribly awry. 
When did I become old enough to be the mom of not one, but 2 children in school. I can't freaking believe that in less than 2 weeks 2 Akers children will be walking the halls of the local elementary school. 2 of my kids will be terrorizing public school grounds during lunch time, and 2 of my children will require ridiculous amounts of hand sanitizer and lysol wipes that I am sure will cost me as much as a tank of gas in my gas guzzling vehicle. It's not real. It's not right. But it's reality. Mikey has already informed me that in 11 short years he'll be leaving for college, and he hopes I'm ready. Ready? Dude. I've got my iMac post it note counting down the days until all of you are happily boarding the bus to a college that you've gotten a scholarship to, or who is willing to offer a family discount to parents with more than one child in attendance. I jest. Of course. I love the darlings. And will more than likely shed tears at the idea of them leaving the nest for good, I'm just happy to have them out of the nest for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, so that mama bird can get some of the garbage piling up in her happy abode, out of here. Who am I kidding. They love school just as much as I do. I'm that mom. So sue me.

When did Aubree get her ears pierced? Ok. I know the answer to that one. It was yesterday, and she was so brave, and so ready, and so willing to wait until her 5th birthday to have them, and finally, I got my stuff together, and took not one, but 4 kids to the mall, (where I might remind you THEY DON'T ISSUE SHOPPING CARTS) and stood there cheering on my little trooper while she got her diamonds on. She had a moment of weakness, where her eyes looked as if they were going to tear up, and the women manning the ear piercing guns were like, "She's so pretty..." Yeah. That's all it took. She pulled out this smile, and happily forwent the tears for some much needed compliments courtesy of perfect strangers. She loves her diamonds. It might make me a bad mom, but so help me, I'm not telling her they arn't real.

When is my life going to STOP taking me for a ride that I am soo not ready for. When will the answers to the questions I so desperately need answers to, fall into my lap from the center of the newspaper that I don't read. When is that happening? I wake up every morning in my bed full of children who are usually wearing far less clothing than they started out in, most of them are sleeping on some part of me, and I'm typically searching for a spot that doesn't currently have smallish parts residing on it, and I think. Is this my life? Do I really wake up everyday and clean for a dad, who seems not only not to care, but almost takes it for granted? Do I really fight my sleep loving green bean eating sister over who gets to use the car everyday, only to lose and end up depressed and shoving prepackaged eggrolls into my mouth in hopes of quelling the idea that I still have 7 more months of this? Are there really bears breaking into my garage to eat my garbage on a nightly basis? Oh yes. That too is happening.

When did living in the wilderness become a feat involving bear sitings on a daily basis? I kid you not. We've happened upon a bear in our yard, for the past week. Moose, I can deal with. THIS big dude, grumbling past my door, tends to freak me out a little...

When is Mia going to actually get up off her cute little sausage legs, and start walking? Do you recall when we played this game with Charity 2 years ago? She was 14 months old, and still content on walking around on all fours like Mowgli child from The Jungle book? Mia won't even get on all fours. She's more than happy to raise her chubby little fists to the sky and scream out for someone, anyone really,  to carry her to her desired location, a location which usually involves food. We actually secured this happy grin by dangling a piece of pizza over her head. She truly is the blood of my blood.

Of course, what's a photo of all the kids, without one of the big man himself... Yes it's red. Yes. It's hair dye. Yes it's washable. And yes. I'm completely prepared for the repercussions of  posting such a photo. Bring it on. Isn't he cute though? Seriously people. 

I think I know when. It's when I lost my mom. That's pretty much WHEN. My life went down the crapper. I still think about the fact that she taught me so much and I'm who I am (mostly) I can't blame some of my faults on her, heaven knows she's not deserving of that, but the good in me, the things I can speak of without bowing my head in shame, are the things she gave to me. I know eventually, losing her will be less of a blow to me, and more of something I look back on and think how lucky I was to have her for 26 amazing years, and how much she did for me, that I can in turn do for my own kids. I know that day will come. It's just not here yet.

I meant to be a better blogger. I mean to be a better mom. I meant to be a better friend. I meant to be a better housewife. I meant to be a better dieter ah heck, no I didn't. I hate dieting. I'll never be a good dieter.  I meant to be so much more than I have been lately. And really, if you take away the past 4 months, I haven't done too bad. There are so many things to be happy about. My sister had her baby a few weeks ago... lost all the weight she gained in a matter of minutes, and of course looks like she could run a marathon 24 minutes after squeezing it out, but she did awesome, and her baby is adorable. All the hair. Just think of the streaks I could give her? Ha. Jokes. I got em. Anyways. Life's great. I'm here. you're there. Things will get better. They have to get better. And when they do, I'll write about it.

Don't forget me. I won't forget you. and maybe. Just maybe. I'll make it through all this, with my humor still intact, and tell you all about it.

I bet you can't wait.

 

Comments

[sharon]

Hang in there, you are one strong woman!

[corinne delis]

aaaah ruth I so love reading your blog, you are such a great and witty writer. You take live as it is at this moment and that is all you can do. I recognize a lot of myself in you right now, but honey life will be so different in a year from now, let's just hope it will be all for the better and a size 6 :)..........hell i will be happy with a size 10 :)

corinnexxx

[Katrine]

Ruth, I am so with you. I've been there, done that, minus the bears. I understand reality changing when your mom dies. I've been without my mom for 11+ years and reality is still different. And let's face it, the fathers and husbands in our lives don't get it. Your mom must have been an amazing woman! I can tell because you are her amazing daughter. I do know that your mom would not want you to feel guilt or frustration. She is so proud of you! This I know. You are strong. You are good. You are a daughter. You are a mom. Well done Ruth!

[anna]

I so wish I could give you a great big bear hug (sorry, I HAD to go there). I also wish I could give you the day off to do whatever you wanted to do. But I can't, you are there and I am here and we are complete strangers.

Please know that you are doing a great thing for your dad & family. Struggling is what makes us appreciate the good times and what builds character (or that's what I tell myself when life sucks).

Take care and keep posting.

[Holly Hanks]

So glad to hear that you're still alive and kickin'. Things will get better...that's what I keep telling myself anyway. I don't think they could get much worse. ;0)

[Lisa Martin]

ahh hugs to you. Ride the wave is all I can say. Listen to the song "You're Gonna Miss This"

[Kelly Goree]

smooch. thinking of you daily. here for you...

and dude? Mikey is soooo you!

[lisa garay]

hey sweetness...
just popping in to see what the "ruth clan" was up to!
you are an amazing mama & person & if anybody ever tells you otherwise, i will personally go & kick some booty.
-xo-

[Jenn Phillips]

hello gawgeous. glad you posted all the gory details. your kids are freakishly adorable, like cover of a magazine!! I think Mikey looks cute with his red dye!! You are an awesome mama! Keep going and pushing through, 7 months will be gone before you know it!! love and hugs.

jenn

[tara pollard pakosta]

Ruth,
my heart is with you.
prayers, hugs. and lots of good scrapping vibes headed your way....truly,girl, you are amazing. you always have a sense of humor despite your situation. LOVE the shots of all 4 of your gorgeous kiddos!!!!!
tara

[sSf]

what a wonderful mom and writer. its such a delight to read your words..even although you are having a tough time.i am sorry. i am sure your mom is looking down very proudly over you. hope the weather clears soon.

[vee]

girl you are awesome and such an inspiration !! keep hangin' in there :) ((hugs))

[NikkiH]

YAY Ruth a blog post, remember how much I said I like when you do that ;) and of course your surveys ;).

Girl get out of my head, half this post I was like WOW, that "is" my life, right there what she said. I like what someone said up there in a comment, "Ride the wave", I'll have to remember that.

Things will start feeling less "busy" for you once the kids are in school, believe me I have two that will be going now to, that means I will only have one here, whatever will I do? ;) I look forward to not having to clean up as much that is for sure lol, other than that I have no clue, but I welcome it, anything is better then spending the day cleaning the same rooms over and over again.

I am there with you on the diet thing, dont'cha wish they made that magic little pill that just takes the weight away in a couple weeks and you could eat anything, I hate the working your arse off to lose ONE pound in a couple weeks. One week into in I think, "what's the point".

Anyways, I love the new pictures of the kiddos, the girls look so beautiful and Mikey looks great with the red dye, Girl enjoy Mia not walking for a little while longer, My DD is driving me crazy with the walking and getting into things like the toilet, cabinets, etc, and of course the climbing (eyeroll) she thinks she can climb the ladder to her bothers bunkbeds.

Glad you posted Ruth! :)

Nikki

[Becky]

Ruth so sorry you're going through a touch time. Someday, when the pieces are all picked up and all is well, you will look back on this experience with your amazing sense of humor and laugh. HUGS for you!It will get better, it always does.

[tammygraves]

So glad to hear you're making it! Stop focusing on all these things that you can't believe are part of your life and just jump in there and enjoy them! I know exactly how you are feeling, I was in the same way, then I was thinking what I would do when my life was going to begin and I thought,"what am I doing? I'm in the middle of it! Enjoy each moment....even when I have to run kids everywhere for this or that and homeschool them, 2 out of 5 with huge learning challenges and still have my sanity?" So that's what I've been comcentrating on....bring the camers...photograph the madness and just have fun with it all! Let go of all the you meant tos, and pick some stuff and start doing it! I hope you can hear my encouragement here...I'm not dogging on you...just trying to spur you on! Forget about the scrappin' if it won't come for now. One day, it will, and you'll have lots of funny photos and stories to scrap when if does. So....carpe diem...and I will too...some more! Go out there and have a great day!

[Nikki Bunnell]

Girl You seriously crack me up! What a trooper you are! You are one stinkin' creative writer...

Nikki

[Dina]

Focus on the important things...the rest doesn't matter. You're doing a fab job. Better than fab. And there's no shame in Mrs. Grossman's....heh.

[laura vegas]

i love reading your blog ruth! you just have this way of making me feel like i'm not alone with all this crazy life stuff. lol! and those are some awesome photos of your gorgeous kids!

[Anabelle]

So glad to see a post from you, girl!! First off, (((hugs))). Secondly, you are doing an amazing job of being mother, wife, chauffer(or however you spell it), bed partner, beaer chaser, maid, chef, hairstylist and overall extraordinary human being. You're going to look back on this time of your life at some point and see how quickly it flew by. Love the photos of those amazing little ones. They are all adorable!!

[Sally Lynn MacDonald]

Love that red dye. He looks like a picture out of a magazine. And when you mentioned dangling pizza over Mia for that smile - I really grinned from ear to ear. It seems you are grinning and 'bear'ing it. Sorry for that - and even though the scrap mojo isn't there (poor Mrs. Grossman!), the woman IS, and all I hope for now is that you keep on keeping on -- and take a few more pictures. Every day is another one behind you and a step forward to brighter times. Take care.

[Sherry Wright]

Can I give you a huge bear hug too Ruth (((Hugs)))! ;) You're one special lady.. your mom would be so proud of you keeping everything together. I can't even imagine how hard it is, but someday you and everyone in your home right now will realize how wonderful you are.

Until then just keep plugging along, eat an egg roll here and there, and 7 months will have flown by. Then we can both dream of size 6 jeans and the absence of arm flam, lol. :0)

[Denise Morrison]

I'm going to say it again Ruth my dear, you are the new Erma Bombeck and I love reading your blog and can't wait for more!

[Linda]

Hey girl! Thinking of you! Your kiddos get more beautiful every time I see them. Congrats to your sister!

[rebekah]

I have to LOL over the red hair die! My son has been begging me for hair die the last few days...AND a Mohawk! Maybe stumbling onto your blog is a sign!?!?? My son may thank you!

[christi]

(((hugs))) Ruth! Just hang in there girl, it WILL get better!
And can I just say:
1. The bear terrifies me.
2. The red dye is awesome!
3. The "diamonds" are beautiful!
4. The scrapping will come back to ya!
5. I make the exact same face as Mia when I see pizza.
6. Congrats to your sister!
7. I feel ya on the school thing, all three of mine will be going this year. All day long. I'm not entirely sure what I'll do with myself!
(((hugs))) again!