Learn to Swerve.

Learning to swerve. Again.

It's amazing to me how many of you have let me know that you've been in the same position. How many of you have lost loved ones to cancer. And how many of you just wanted to say you care. I never would have imagined when I started blogging, one sad lonely day 4 years ago, that so many people would be reached.

I'm at a point in my life where so many things are being realized. So many things are changing. Some for the good. Some for the bad. I'm learning to swerve. In a new direction.

I'm learning to live without my mom. I'm learning to raise my kids again without their father. I'm learning to say good-bye to too many people, all at once.

I'm learning I can cry, and people will be there to wipe my tears.

I'm learning I am strong enough to deal with things I never thought I could.

I'm learning I can drive big cars on icy roads, and not have a total panic attack.

I'm learning my kids know more about life than I do.

I'm learning that there are those who want you to serve them, and there are those who will serve you even if it means giving up everything to do so.

I'm learning there is good in places that I used to think it didn't exist.

These past few weeks have found me so lost. In so many ways. My mother was more than a mom, she was a friend, and a hero. A person who would calm the world around me, when things got too out of hand.

We're doing ok. I'm making a home here in the basement. Once again. This time with 4 kids. And noone to clean up the messes of the kids who live here. I'm not sure if most of you know, but I am the oldest of 10 kids. 8 of which still live at home. There are 6 kids under 6, 2 19 year olds, a 20 year old, a 14 year old, a 12 year old, me, my married sister, and my dad. Lonliness, is not an option. But sanity is.

We're trying to make our schedules work. Trying to decide who will take over the parts of life my mom used to juggle effortlessly. Cleaning the kitchen is now a 3 hour process. Laundry day, has turned into laundry week. dinner time brings new meaning to chaos. And the night time is especially lonely. My dad is without his wife, and I am without my husband. Really, we're bonded by the situation we both share. He however is not dealing as well.

I will never truly understand the loss he must be feeling, but I know that in time, all of us will find our way to deal. I've got alot to do, alot to share, and as silly as it sounds, alot of stuff to scrapbook. I've decided running away from the hobby that used to bring me so much joy, was silly. I've found some amazing photos of my mom that my father took when my mom and him were dating. So many things people have shared in the past few weeks that I want to document. I'm going to dive right in as soon as I get my living area under control. Thank you sooo much to all those of you who have shared stories, emails, and comments. I fully intended on telling you all personally how much your comments mean, but it seems as if I've gotten so many I may never catch up. I thank you for that.

I am almost back to whole, and ready to be the mom, daughter, and blogger I used to be. If you have the desire, I would ask that you watch the tribute video that was made for my mothers funeral. It shows so many sides of her, and it really is beautiful.  Video. (Just click the play button on the picture of her and watch. )

Enjoy your new years, and my next post will find me happy, thin, and back to the regular scheduled programming most of you enjoy. Thank you again. All of you. For everything. You will never know how much it means. 

She's gone.

This afternoon. My mom, my mother, my best friend. The person who believed in me, when most did not, passed away.

I cannot begin to put into words how sad I am. I hate that cancer took her away from me. From us. From her family, her children, my father.

She touched so many people, SO many.

Her fingerprints are on the lives of all who met her, and not a day will go by that I don't see her, and the things she did, and not want to be a better person.

I will be ok.

But I ask that you pray for my Dad. He is going to be so lost without her. And I can only hope my stay in Alaska will be of some help, and not a hinderance. Thank you all for your thoughts and well wishes.

Those of you didn't know her. You will. I will make it my job to scrapbook her, and not let her memory fade. My children will know her, my grandchildren will know her. And we will never forget her.

She was as beautiful as she was funny. Her laugh could make people stop and smile. Her will to live was stronger than that of 1000 soldiers. She never met a scrabble game she couldn't win, and her love for Matlock was what led me to be as dedicated to murder and mayhem as I am today. I got her nose. And her curly hair. I got her hands, and her cheek bones. She never had her ears pierced because as she put it, "I haven't worn earrings in 45 years, why start today?" She cooked dinner for large families, she raised 10 children, she attended church with a dedication that to this day I admire.

Her handwriting was not easily forged, and her little eye twitch caused small wrinkles in the corners of her eyes. She never once wanted to give up. She was told she'd live 8 weeks, and 5 years later she was still as fervent in her will to beat it as ever.

She did not deserve what was given to her, but she took it, and everything that came with it. She lost her hair, she lost weight, she lost her colon, her uterus, and gained more scars than any woman should have to, and she smiled still, because she was alive.

I will miss her. SO very much. Not a moment in my life was spent without her teachings there to guide me. I can only hope my children will think as much of me, as I did of her.

I will be absent for awhile. I've got alot of stuff to deal with. But I will be back. She wasn't a quitter, and neither am I.

If you can see me mom, know that I miss you already. And I'm sorry I'm not perfect. But I love you. More than you will ever know...

I quit.

Yes. You read that correctly. I quit.

I quit pretending I'm happy.

I quit pretending I'm a good scrapbooker.

quit pretending things are going to work out.

quit pretending I have all the answers.

quit pretending things are fair.

I will however with the new found love of quitting, begin. I will begin to take care of things in my life that make me unhappy. I will begin to accept the fact I can't do it all, I will begin to realize, I will never be perfect, but that is perfectly ok. I will begin to have faith, that someone thinks I am good enough. I will begin to tell my children, and show them, that no matter what, they are my everything. I will begin to have more fun, and less stress. I will begin to be the person my parents can count on should my mom lose her battle with cancer.

So many things are going on in my life, and I am so confused. On one hand, I am happy, I am strong, I can do the things set before me. On the other, I have to let some things go. I've quit my design teams, my obligations, and I'm going back to Alaska to help my family out, who is dealing with the very real fact that my mom is dying of Cancer. Her lungs are about 90% filled, and her heart has fluid around it. She is always in such good spirits, and won't give up, no matter what, but with the things I'm trying to deal with right now, I need to be able to focus on what matters.

Things change so fast. Things you thought you knew, you don't. Things that appear to be, never really are. I hate to be so vague, but putting ones life on a blog for all to read tends to backfire, so those close to me, know. Those who want to feel in the know, know I'm thankful to have people who care.

I will be ok. Things will happen. People will make mistakes. Life will hand you lemons. You can take them and make lemonade, or you can cut them in half, and squeeze them in the eyes of those that make you mad.( I'm choosing the latter.) My kids are amazing,  they make  my life worth living, even if I never remember to take pictures of them. I am going to pull my camera out of the chaos that is my living room, and capture them how they are right now. Growing so fast, making me wish I had more time to freeze.

Thank you all so much for the calls, IM's, emails, comments, and everything you all do to make me feel so loved. I needed it. While I can't promise to inspire anyone with layouts for a long time, or pictures of my cute kids, I can promise to post the happenings of a mother of 4 and her crazy stories of friendship gone awry when I meet up with my soon to be Britney buddy, Courtney Things are gong to get better. I will scrapbook again one day. I might even get that HOF entry done eventually and suprise you all ; )

Thanks again for all you guys have done for me. I will not be a stranger. I will make sure to keep in touch with all of you. Don't give up me yet. Just because I'm quitting, doesn't mean you guys can =)

Until I get to Alaska... Merry Christmas. May it find you well =)