I don't.

I don't pretend to understand war.
I don't pretend to think I can escape the consequences of being an Army wife.
I don't have the ability to make it on my own for 15 months.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to watch the strongest man I know break down and cry as he waves to his 4 children, including a 5 month daughter who will be 2 upon his return.
I don't have the courage to tell my children if something happens to their father.
I don't do well on my own.
I don't want to pack my life into a 20x20 storage unit and board a plane to Alaska.
I don't want my kids to have to change schools just because I need help raising them by myself.
I don't think it's fair that he got back 369 days ago, and he's leaving. Again.
I don't share my feelings with my husband, as it makes me look weak. And Army wives are supposed to be strong.
I don't remember the last time we shared 2 years of consecutive holidays together.
I don't forget the look on Charity's face when she saw her daddy for the first time after 12 months.
I don't scrapbook this picture, because it breaks my heart to look at it.

I don't care to discuss the importance of life insurance and wills at weekly meetings.
I don't have to like that my husband will watch his baby take her first steps on a television screen.
I don't want to argue about the right or wrongs of things in the world today.

But mostly.

I don't want him to go.
I don't.

Comments

[Amy Coose]

This is so powerful, Ruth. I grew up in an Army town (Ft. Hood) and married an Army Capt. so I know how hard this is for you. Know that you are not alone, and if you ever need anything, let me know!!!

[andie]

((giant hug)) you have the hardest job in the army

[kristina]

Oh, Ruth. This entry just breaks my heart. I come from a military family and I know what you are feeling to a certain extent. I watched my Mother go through that and it is hard. I have such a HUGE amount of respect and admiration for military wives. You are in my thoughts and prayers and if you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask, even if it's just a friendly ear to listen. I am there for you. Thank you for the sacrifices that not only your husband makes, but that YOU and your family make. BIG hugs, my friend. Big hugs!

[~dawne]

Awe Ruth......I'm crying for you, as I can only imagine what you're going through. I know you're stronger then you think. You & your family are in my prayers.

[Robyn W.]

This just breaks my heart Ruth! Did you ever watch the show Army Wives on Lifetime? I LOVED it! Not sure how real to life it is because I'm not familiar with it, but it just broke my heart sometimes. I can't imagine what you and your kids go through for your amazing hubby to serve - your truly amazing! :)

[Michelle Baker]

(((Hugs))) Let me know when you get to AK. I want you to come scrap with me!

[alexandria]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. The men and women who defend our country are not the only heroes of this war...the families who are left at home to carry on are also heroes. Yours is a significant sacrifice and one that I - and many others - thank you for making. May God hold you and yours close these next few years.

[Tami]

i am sorry that he has to go. your words were so difficult to read

[kara]

hugs ruth!! my DH is not army, but my daughter has a father (from a previous relationship) that is ARMY and i can say yes to so many things posted.

stay strong!

[Anna]

Hey girl - You know I have sympathy for you... Steve was gone for 2 1/2 out of 4 years, and he is rarely home now. It stinks. But know that I am here when you get to AK. We can hang out in the new digs and complain to your hearts content. Love ya!

[Ali Mclaughlin]

I know how you feel, its so hard!!! I hate every time Mike has to go and he is usually only deployed for 4 months at a time, and its still really hard for me, so I know 15 months would seem so overwhelming. Just take one day at a time! Hugs to you!!! Email me anytime if you need to.

[Kelly]

Oh Ruth. He may be the strongest man you know, but you're one of the strongest women *I* know. I know you do it because you must, but to me, you (and other Army/military wives) who hold it together at home for the sake of their husbands and our countries are just as big of a hero as the men they watch leave to fight for us overseas.

Huge huge hugs to you my friend as that's all I know to offer. :(

[laura vegas]

i'm like robyn ... i loved that lifetime show "army wives" and it would have me in tears every week. i often thought of you while i watched it ... thinking of what you must go through. you have a tough job being an army wife ... and i applaude you for it. i'll be thinking of you!

[Keli Klassen]

you made me cry ... I have no idea how you do it. You are in my prayers.

[Kate Kading]

Praying for you through tears. I will keep you at the top of my prayer list as long as you need it. You can do this.

[Kim]

Ruth
I always enjoy reading your blog. I have never experienced being an army wife but the way you wrote straight from your heart touched me. I get all your don'ts but I wanted to thank you for letting him go. I wanted to thank him for the courage and strength to server. For he keeps all of us safe and that gift is truly priceless. I know that does not make it any easier for your and your children, but thank you.

[Mary Jo]

I'm so sorry.

[Nicole N.]

I don't even know you, yet my heart goes out to you, you DH and your kids. nothing I can say will change anything. Your family will be in my thoughts.

[Kim Moreno]

Big hugs honey!!
I am only an IM away if you wanna gripe and moan... I'm so sorry your having to do this again so soon!

[Tammy H.]

(((hugs))) and lots of prayers!

[corinne delis]

so sorry that you have to go through this all and I will have you and your family in my prayers .

corinnexxx

[Mel Nunn]

Oh sweetheart... I am sorry :(

[Krystyn]

Sending many HUGS your way. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry he has to go and for so long.

[Audrey]

I've been thinking about you a lot, Ruth, since I read this post yesterday. I can't even begin to imagine how you do it. My heart breaks for all of you, but most of all, I want you guys to know how much I appreciate this sacrifice. Not just the fact that your husband is willing to fight this war for all of us, but that you and the kiddos put any sense of normalcy on hold for the duration of this war. It's a huge sacrifice on your parts, too -- and I'm grateful. And I'm so very sorry too...my prayers and thoughts will stay with you.

[Rachel]

My heart is breaking for you and your family.